I miss Dave Chappelle. My friends and I watch his show on Netflix or DVD occasionally and it never fails to provide a good laugh. When I was living in Richmond I watched his episode of Inside the Actors Studio and it really provided a lot of insight to how he built his life — how he built his career — and how the media eventually tore him down. Like his show on Comedy Central, it was full of laughs. Unlike his show on Comedy Central, however, it was also kind of depressing.
But he’s right. Being yourself, or being true to yourself, is a difficult task when everyone around you is watching so intently. Most of us aim to impress others — we aim to leave our mark on the world and its citizens, or else we feel like a failure. In doing so — in aiming to impress — we sometimes end up building a facade. I’ve done it, you know, I’m guilty of doing so. Attention is something I frequently aim for through either shock or comedy, and while I usually end up getting the attention it doesn’t always end up like I wanted it to. In my striving to be liked, I end up not being myself. It got to the point where I did this so much, I eventually lost track of who I actually was.
So now my job (I say job, but it’s a hobby) is watching other people. They don’t know it, obviously, at least I hope they don’t — but I sit and watch others and detail their lives in the window of but a few minutes. I detail and condense and hope for the best material, but I can only expect so much.
What I’ve come to realize is that being oneself is not always the greatest thing. I’ve seen some real meanness in people — some tangible fucking spite, man — and I’ve seen some real goodness in the people I watch. The thing is, they don’t know anyone is watching. They’re simply themselves (as far as I know), and that can reveal something very brilliant and radiant and nice, or something very mean and hateful and shady.
Still, I think striving to be yourself even with an audience. After all, they aren’t the ones who follow you into the grave.
The People Watcher 